LALALAND
So, just got back from LA and everything they say about LALA Land is - understated. There are more ways to die, to lie, to fly, to sigh in LA than *anywhere* else. Some of the craziest people I've ever met live there. (That’s saying A LOT.) I went to Hell and back in one long weekend - I dug it tho.
Pull in Wed, pick up the Rent-a-Caddy and tool around. Fun. Until I try to find the hotel. Up in the Hollywood hills, and soooo exclusive that they don't really WANT you to find it. Well it WAS a beauty. (I had people over, and no one believed it was a hotel; they thought it was my West Coast place. ;~)
THU, work all day. Party all night. Fun.
FRI, work all day. Party all night with friends from work. Things go well. End my night with them and head to the Sky Bar. Best joint on the planet. I couldn't spend enough time there if I had a diabolical twin.
I met a British spy there. She guessed my age to the day, and spoke Nigerian to the cab driver. Amazing.
Leave at 1-ish to head back to the pad. Stop at the In and Out Burger for a midnight snack - cause everyone raves about it. It was ok, but not worth the price. Came back out and the Rent-a-Caddy was gone. OOOOOOH - SHIT!
I had the keys in my hand when I walked into the joint, sure of it, and I put them in my coat as I sat down and hung it over the chair behind me. I got pickpocketed for the keys while I was enjoying LA's finest ground beef! First thing to do is get A CAB HOME! Luckily the Grammys was that week, so the Sunset Strip was on fire and it only took 5 mins to get a cab. Next is call Hertz (it's YOUR car, YOU take care of it.) They told me I had to handle he police report.
No big deal EXCEPT they couldn't tell me what my license plate number was!!! They had me down for the wrong car. Clerical error on their part, took me more than a day and a half to get it all straightened out (if you call it that!!) I wound up blowing Hertz off and getting a Rent-a-Beemer (sp?) from the hotel. Convertible; super nice.
Well, then the fun, and the vampires, really take off.
Someone by the pool recognized me while I was playing guitar. Did I mention that the Sky Bar, the Best Joint on Earth, has a few guitars and drums lying around?!? No wonder I love it. He invites me to a crazy rave that night, with the Black Eyed Peas' rhythm section. He was the lead singer of this thrown together band. We all got up and jammed. AWESOME FUN.
So I'm getting ready to leave and I see someone in front of me crying in her car. I'm a NY'er and I don't give a shit. Just move that big ass car. We all have problems, and I'm only one man.
Then I see the blade and the blood -- whole different game. I had to stop her and help her. I pulled open her door open like the guy in Grand Theft Auto, and she had a look in her eyes that said 'get away - but help.' I gave her a well placed boot, right to her 'center of gravity' and threw her to the passenger seat. It was an old Impala or something with bench seats. I jumped in and took her to the nearest firestation - I saw one driving in. I dragged her out of the car, deposited her on the sidewalk, and said to the nearest EMT, "You know what to do."
I walked the mile back to the party and my car. Got in, went home, crashed hard, and didn't really think about it again. The next morning I woke up and found a card with her info on it in my pocket. No explanation --- called the damn thing.
She was fine, and apologetic (please) and confessed to being a vampire. (!) I asked if vampires drink their own blood, to which she had NO ANSWER. I can ruin delusions at the drop of a pin.
OK, now the weekend is just beginning. I still have a stolen car to report, a lot of travel plans to change (The Storm of the Century was brewing in NYC,) blood on my hands, and of course, some shopping to do. SOOOOOO, back to the Sky Bar. Nothing like working your magic at The Most Magical Place on Earth. (They owe me big time for all these endorsements.)
Now it’s off to The Mood with a friend. She’s looking for someone, but turns out it’s Lesbian Night. (my caps) Everyone’s watching ‘The L Word’ like it’s the Zapruder film. When we find out they are out of energy drinks (my friend’s quite addicted) we move on to Plan B - The Dragonfly. (I can’t even talk about Plan D.)
We get to the front door and have the HUGELY GOOD LUCK of finding a spot right around the corner from The D-Fly. BUT the line is about 100 people long. It’s a happening rock club in H-Wood, and it was Happening tonight.
I saw that there was filming going at up at the door, so I went up to investigate. 2 cameras, 5 crew and DANNY BONNADUCCI. Filming the second season of his show. I plowed straight thru, patted him on the back and said (no lie:)
MT
“I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet you.”
DB
“You need some higher aspirations.”
MY
“Really, ‘that show’ is what made me want to become a musician in the first place. I so related to you on that show that I’m a musician today.”
DB
“No way! That’s nice thanks.”
MT
“I even bought your autograph on eBay.”
DB
”What’d THAT cost you?!?”
MT
”About 10 bucks.”
DB
”Alright, this guys in!”
Grabs me and my friend and throws us into the club.
VP
”You should get up and sing with us later.”
DB
”Oh, you’re in the band?!? DEFINITELY!!”
Get in and rock with The Spazmatics. The pix speak for themselves; including The Incredible Tattooed Face Boy. More to come.
Get home early-ish. Up EARLY the next morning and get to the airport hours early. After all that had happened, I was NOT going to miss the plane home. Sitting around eating airport eggs and drinking coffee, and the Crazy Vampire calls. She was near the airport and wanted to come by and thank me for saving her life.
I had no choice – I’ve been thru Ethics Training.
